UNEARTHING

My state of flow comes from anticipating needs, solving problems, and creating strategies that make things feel smooth, efficient, and enjoyable.

At work, this feels like a day when I’m connecting with students and adults, helping facilitate or lead meaningful programming, putting out fires, finding a moment to breathe and check email, and finishing up the day with a full to do list checked off.

At home, this feels like planning and executing an outing – I’ve got the tickets, I know where we are going, I’ve packed good snacks, we are well-hydrated and prepared and having fun. It’s also the feeling I get when the house is clean and organized and my fridge is stocked with nutritious food.

Things, of course, don’t always go this way, but given how busy I am, I think I manage to do this pretty well. And, I think until the pandemic hit, I saw my ability to manage all of this as a reflection of my worth as a mom, as a partner, and as a worker.

This all changed when schools shut down in person and I was forced to use all my creative and mental energy to juggle my own work, my kids online school, and running the household. Messes piled up, meals needed to be prepped 3 times a day, fun activities created to keep my kids from fighting and watching screens all day – and there was no community to support as everyone was isolating in households. I tried to double my efforts, using my skills as a strategic thinker to plan, prioritize, to utilize 5 minutes here and there. And it didn’t work.

These were some of my reflections from April 2020 – one month into the pandemic:

I don’t know about you all but I feel like I am absolutely being put into the fire. For some reason, the current situation I find myself in has been so complex and challenging. There is the abrupt overturn of the daily routine of course, but for me, so much more. It all seems to be stemming from a big monster that I’ve always struggled with but now can’t seem to keep at bay. He’s a combination of mom guilt, shame, blame, judgement, and rejection of true self. I hear it creeping in all the time – making me feel guilty when my kids watch a movie while I try to clean the house, shame when I feel bored hanging out with my kids, judgement of myself and others while we try to balance work, school, and home life in new ways that feel impossible. The voice is relentless and I felt myself coming to a breaking point yesterday. A breaking point that made me realize that along my life’s journey, the structures and expectations that have conditioned me to hustle and get approval and recognition and be perfect have robbed me of love and acceptance of my true self. As girls and women we are supposed to be good, we should be meek and mild, make ourselves small to make space for others, take care of EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. I see this replicated everywhere – in our families, our workspaces, our communities. And at this time when it isn’t physically or psychologically possible to get all the things done, when despite my huge capacity for organization and efficiency my hustle just doesn’t cut it, that I find myself questioning it all. Maybe it’s also the fact that I turn 40 in July, but I truly feel that I’m on a precipice. I know I need to move forward and I can’t continue to operate in the same way but I feel afraid of the fire I need to continue to walk through. I know this process will involve a lot of painful self reflection – examining my past, the lessons I was taught directly and indirectly, consideration of the places in space and time that I stepped back instead of stepping forward, the times I was motivated for the pleasure and approval of others instead of myself. It will also require me to stop operating in ways that people have come to expect – for me to jump in and take on more and more things. This work is so vital – not only for myself, but what I am modeling for my kids. If all I model is selfless, endless work, what message does that send to them about my worth and the worth of a mother and a woman? Every action I take is a lesson for my kids on how a woman operates and what spaces she should occupy. My daughter turns 8 next month. While I tell her constantly that she is loved, that we are proud of her, that she is unique and beautiful in so many ways, that she should stay true to herself, it will be much more believable if I model these things for her by believing these things about me. Even typing that sentence makes me want to ugly cry as I realize how far I am from really truly believing it, despite what I project out into the world. But, I am determined to show up and go through this milestone as I can’t go back.

I have come a long way in the last few years. I try my best to not put myself last. I finally made a doctor’s appointment – the first in two years (don’t judge). I got my teeth cleaned. I’m more comfortable with leaving the dishes in the sink and going for a walk. I talk to myself on my commute each morning – listing what I’m grateful for, what I am proud of, what is on my mind. I try to be less judgmental of others and this translates to less judgement of myself. I tell my kids that I need 20 minutes to be alone and rest or read.

It’s a work in progress for sure, but it’s starting to feel more comfortable and I can start to stop equating my worth with hustle and outcome.