UNEARTHING

I will never forget the moment when a high level leader came to my office – unscheduled and unannounced – to chastise me for sending an email to the leadership team. It was the summer of 2020 and I was reeling from not only trying to plan for the upcoming school year in the midst of a global pandemic, but also grappling with the racial reckoning that was happening across the nation. As the primary person responsible for moving forward diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) work at my school, as well as one of the few people of color on our leadership team, I felt a keen responsibility to bring DEI work back into the conversation as we planned the upcoming school year. I made the decision to send a communication out to the team, asking for their partnership in thinking through how we could consider not only testing schedules and mask wearing and quarantine logistics, but also how we could bring the lens of equity and inclusion over all aspects of our school program and community.

I felt a little scared sending it. I knew that not everyone on that list was supportive. I knew that some people would see this as an issue that we shouldn’t be prioritizing at that moment. And I knew that this was something I had been trying to engage this leader on and had received little back. Once sent, I received a couple of private messages of support. I asked that these people reply all with their comments so that there was a show of solidarity and the desire to pursue this endeavor together as a team. I felt good seeing the responses and hoped that the communication could be a launch pad for further conversations and action.

A few hours later, this high level leader showed up in my office. While he first stated that he agreed with everything I had said in the email, he then proceeded to tell me why he didn’t appreciate that I had sent it. He stated that he did not want me “mass emailing” the leadership team, and that he set the agenda for meetings and priorities, not anyone else. He also told me that I had taken my feelings and put that burden on others. He also had a talking to with my direct supervisor about keeping me in check.

When he left, I was shocked. I hadn’t ever imagined I would get scolded for simply asking for collaboration and partnership in moving forward DEI work. But I definitely learned where this leader stood that day and I understood his underlying message: “Don’t bring this up again. Don’t step out of line.”

We have all heard stories about heroes and leaders going through crucibles – when deep challenges arose, when there was a choice to push forward or to acquiesce. The moments when we are tested and find out what we really stand for and what we are really made of.

This moment, along with others in recent years, have served as crucibles for me in my leadership. In my work with developing student leaders, I try to emphasize that leadership is a journey – a process of learning and reflection, that includes some really hard moments. And the importance of having a solid foundation, a north star, a compass, to get you through the hard moments.

According to the work of professor, author, and leadership researcher, Bill George, leadership development can be categorized into three stages – Preparing for Leadership, Leading, and Giving Back.

I tell my students, who are high school age, that they are in that first phase of leadership and that their primary job is to really get clear on their values and to make sure that their behavior and actions align with those values. Values are the guiding light that help us when we are going through those crucibles. When we are aligned with our values – meaning that our actions match our values and we are in a place that affirms us, we feel at peace. When we are not aligned in our values – either due to our behaviors and actions, or the spaces and communities we are a part of, we feel the dissonance.

My core values are integrity, justice, and authenticity. These values have helped me to make the right decisions in hard times. They have helped me deal with being respected over being liked. They have helped me build up a reputation of trust. They are the voices in my ear that tell me that something needs to be done, someone needs to say something, or that someone or a place is not aligned. They give me the courage to continue to speak out even though what I share is not always welcomed, and in some cases, vehemently opposed. They are why I take on hard things when the easier and smoother way would be to go with the flow.

I used to think that if I planned everything out, communicated effectively, and executed perfectly, I would have little to no issues and my leadership journey would be smooth and clear. I know now that the only way forward is to embrace the crucibles and have started to try to look at them as my friends. They are the moments and times that have made me stronger in my conviction and clearer in what kind of leader I aspire to be. I recently read this quote from A.H. Almaas:

Lately, I have felt myself climbing up the other side of the crucibles timeline and while I am sure I will have many more, it feels good to know that I have a strong foundation that will continue to bolster me as I move towards leading and giving back.

I could have let that moment with the email communication stop me and fall into line. But I didn’t. I didn’t let that moment get in my way and I didn’t let the high level leader’s position stop me from holding the school accountable as an institution responsible for the education and well-being of young people. I went on, making noise and speaking hard truths at every place I have worked at. There have been times when the pushback and dissonance has felt so loud that I feel like I can’t breathe. And in those moments, I have learned that I can reach down inside and find my north star again. Sometimes it has meant I have changed my tactic. Sometimes it has meant I have left a job. Sometimes it has meant that I roll my sleeves up and stay the course. In all cases, it means that I stay true to me.